Last Christmas

Warning Depressing Stuff:

I swear I have two heads. The other one is responsible for posting music updates. That guy is really remote from this guy over here who is writing for you. I think this one needs psychiatric help. Sometimes he feels like he is in a padded cell and he wants freedom. Other times he is so sad that it seems the sky is falling.

Last Christmas was ok. I mean normal kind of OK. I missed last year's company party the way I missed one now. Last year I spent it with myself. I think the only Christmas card I had was from my aunt. And greetings from friends from my music blogging. Last year my sister was the one responsible for the decorations.

This year there was not much decoration because I realize I have to be the one to take them down and it would require a lot of work. But something happened this year. For a reason I have a very emotional December.There's a special person whom I gave my heart to. I also got a lot of invitations. Perhaps a schizoid chameleon with a million affiliations have a place under the sun at last. Still sometimes there is that lingering spoiler. The unknown depresses me. Yes we can't really get away from that. I am following my best pal's advice: keep your heart strong.

***
After this year's storm and a death toll of more than a thousand, it is no wonder why people of Bacolod are not celebrating Christmas like before. I think we have been through a lot-the entire nation is suffering.Part of my skewed religious beliefs are due to that. Nothing feels right sometimes.

These days I am listening to more and more Tori Amos and other 'angry and depressing' bands. It is hard to smile when your heart is sad. It will show. Have you experienced a painful smile that tears start to fall? Have you experienced occasional bouts of alienation where you wish you have forgotten who you are because at least you don't have issues to deal with? I think this year is full of contrast. One side is hysterically laughing while the other is wishing he is somewhere else.

***
People do make strange circles when they are threatened. I this this happening everywhere- at work, among friends and even public figures. People should remember the warning: don't put your faith too much on someone else. You will just end up disappointed. I have experienced this. The mental violation is almost visceral that you feel as if you've been dropped off from a running car.

Parents with kids aren't supposed to play with fire. They should at least think that in the end it is the kid who will suffer. I think adults who do these things aren't cool. They're just people who haven't reached maturity.When adults do things for themselves and not think about the outcome, then it is a question of child custody. When alienation gets inside the room where friendship should be...then it is time to go.