I spent the aftermath of New Year feeling insecure and sorry for myself. This is what I hate about having a lot of time in my hands. I tend to get restless and introspective. I do think it is good to reflect but it also opens doors to your personal demons and addictions.My addiction is being attached. And it makes me feel greedy for attention. I think one of my fears is to be a burden to anyone. I am not really a proud person but when it comes to being humiliated, that's my kryptonite.
Sometimes I look for proof of things that don't need to be proven. Sometimes I feel invisible that no matter what people tell me I don't believe them. And it sucks to be in this situation. It caused trouble to those who care about me. Sometimes I wonder when will I ever find peace? I am a prizefighter wanting to get even. Sometimes what I am fighting for is not attention or love but rather just the idea of getting even. I can be a bad loser. And I hate it when other people get ahead of me in things that I want especially when I know I deserve these things.
Don't you just hate it when someone steals something away from you? Be it the love of your parents,the intimacy of your lover or the moment that should have been for you alone? These are things that haunt me. I am trying to get away from them because I know if I start counting or I start lingering I become a bad loser.I just don't want to be on the sides anymore. I know too, that I have the capacity for pain and vengeance like no one else.Maybe it is genetic. My mom is a spiteful person. So are my siblings.
I don't want the feeling of being a victim. I know that is not me. I am better than that. I am even better than the anger and sadness I write about. I just want to find a way to exorcise these demons and stop blaming the world.Because I know, that we are also responsible for the things that happen around us. We make those choices in life. I believe that if you really love yourself...nothing can bring you down. It is good to write and pour out everything.There are things that are easy to tell in writing than saying them out loud to the person you meant to hear them.
It takes time to really get to the point of what you are saying. Sometimes when you force yourself to say them, you end up saying the wrong things. So it is better to step back and allow your emotions to calm down. Then that's the time you say what's in your heart or mind.You should never say anything when you are too passionate because it will just lead to a fight.I feel like I am taming the wolf inside me when I write. I always give it time to roam. I let the passion take over me...then in the end I know it's on a leash. And it has no choice but to go back inside where it belongs. A place where it cant hurt anyone. But I know I will always be a part of that monster. We all have beasts inside us. All we need to do is tame them. And we are safe.
I want to make this year a wonderful year for me and everyone.I wish you all inner serenity. I know it's not much but it is good to give way to other people. Love those who deserve more love and attention than you. And also know that is always good to realize that there will always be better and lesser person than you are and if you start comparing you will end up frustrated.
When you feel like someone got ahead of you in love and attention, when you feel like you don't get enough love the way you deserve to be, when you feel lost and missing someone so bad that it hurts...remember these lines :
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>
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